Depression Confession; Not What I Was Expecting

Written last night:

I thought today was going to be a good day. I was so good this morning.

I took care of my skin, drank plenty of water, decided to forgo that second pot of coffee, used heat and product on my hair (which is against the principles of a certain segment of my generation of which I was a part). I did laundry before my husband was even awake. I washed the dishes I couldn't face the day before. I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, made my grocery list, and coordinated my schedule with Michael so I could go to Walmart. I vacuumed the living room carpet in an attempt to get the dog smell out, again before my husband was awake. I even called the newspaper to find out how to replace my four-year-old son's newsprint roll.  In fact I was on a roll. Oh so productive until 10:00 a.m.

It didn't last. It was over even before my trip to Walmart which happened at mid-day. And tonight I apologized to Michael for not having a more positive attitude like some wives. His response was to thank me for being exactly myself.

But this is why I have never really believed in the power of positive thinking. So often my mother would say to me, why don't you smile? Why don't you expect good things? It has been a point of contention between us for many years.

And of course to some extent she is correct. Sometimes approaching an issue with a correct (and cheerful) state of mind really does make all the difference.  But not always.

Actually, believe it or not, I have started many a project with the necessary enthusiasm. Every job I ever had I thought was the best thing ever for the first month, first six months, maybe even for the first year. I really, really want to look on the bright side.

This morning I expected that today would be a well modulated day. I would work hard, but not too hard. I would set realistic goals. I would take care of my family. I wouldn't waste time on inconsequentials unless it was while taking a reasonable break.  I was going with Dan Miller's idea big changes are easier to make than small ones (No More Mondays). It's true that I was stretching his point a bit, but it seemed a sound idea to me this morning.

Now, at the end of the day, you could easily look at my house and wonder if I had done a thing. I said as much to Michael. It's one of the difficult things about housekeeping. Sometimes hard work really doesn't seem to pay off.

All the same, I will choose not to use a bit of frustration as an excuse to not continue in well doing. Just because the kitchen looks terrible now doens't mean the morning's work was wasted. Just because the babysitting for the weekend didn't work out as I expected doesn't mean my children won't be well cared for. Just because my two-year-old wiped tomato sauce on my bed pillow doesn't make me love him any less. Just because a business development I was hoping for fell through doesn't mean that God doesn't have a plan to take care of us. Whatever the final outcome it will eventually turn out to have been worth the wait.