Early morning at the Foxes

It was six thirty when I finally let them out of their room this morning, Isaac having woken in the very same minute that I did and having subsequently woken his brother. It hasn't been a fun two hours. You may laugh at me, or accuse me of irreverence, but on mornings like this I tend to shake my fist at God and say, "Why don't You care? Doesn't it matter to You that I need my quiet time in the morning. Don't You care that my children need sleep, and I need to escape my obligations for a while and just be still? Don't You think I need a walk, need silence in my life, need the presence of mind that will let me be something more than a lazy slug come 2:00 this afternoon?" I tend to be very honest with Him, you see, and I don't think He really minds. I try to be very honest with myself as well, and spare myself nothing. That one's harder because it is impossible for me to fight fair, when I'm fighting myself. Can you relate? Does anyone out there know what it's like? Frederick Buechner seems to, and Philip Yancey, at least those are the guys I've been reading lately.

Now the children are all breakfasted. Isaac is trying to tell me something about Mickey Mouse and Parker is trying to persuade me to watch him play the Nintendo DS. I don't wake my husband because I don't see any reason why he should be made to get up at 5:00 in the morning just because I choose to. The day has started.

This means, unfortunately, that I may not have the mental energy to insist the children do anything else today. It means another day will pass in which I won't see my way clear to become anything. It wasn't supposed to be like this, you know? I don't know how to get out of this negative cycle.

Hope. There is definitely hope. Don't you for a moment think otherwise. Someday I know I'm going to figure this thing out. Someday there will--be--balance. As difficult as these children can be, they are beautiful, utterly beautiful children. God does care that I'm tired. I know that He does. And it's okay that life is hard. I just don't see any reason to pretend that it isn't. I can't fool Him, and I don't see any reason to try to fool you.

That is all.