It's funny how much more worried I am about my pregnancy this time around. Last time I remember only being thrilled--concerned about finishing my education, of course, but still thrilled. I'm thrilled this time too, its just that the first time I didn't know much of what was going on, besides which I think we detected the pregnancy when Parker was already several weeks further along. I'm worried that we'll go in at the end of the month for the first ultrasound and not be able to detect a heartbeat. I'm worried that there might not really be a baby in there.
I was thinking about this in the shower this morning. The fact that we'll be bringing another child into this world in nine (make that eight) months is God's choice, not ours. That means that if anything happens to this baby it will be God's choice as well. We as followers of Christ have chosen to accept whatever comes to us from His hand, whether pleasant or unpleasant. There are all kinds of rational reasons why this sort of argument is offensive. Ayn Rand, who I'm reading right now, would certainly not be pleased. But that's where we are. Michael is the one who has reminded me of this ever since we found the promise of what is to be.
Of course after writing this down I have one more thing to worry about: if I say I have faith it almost follows that that faith will be tested. Sometimes it's a curse to know too much about how the world tends to work. Dare I even publish this?
I dare.
3 comments:
Having been down the road of loss and gain, let me add to your thoughts. Just because we have faith in what God in our lives, just because we know that His plan is perfect for us, He still gave us emotions and these truths do not negate our ability or right to grieve and be sad. I think worry is part of the path. You want to meet this little one and the fear is there that you might not get to. I personally don't think God minds us worrying. I think He is interested in what we do with our worry. I feel like I have to take God my pregnancy worries many, many times a day. I don't think He frowns on my emotions, but is rather glad that I'm brining them to Him. I don't think He frowned on my past grief at loosing babies. I'm certain He grieved when Christ died. I believe emotions are from Him and are meant to be felt and embraced and are meant to drive us to Him. (many thanks to Alice for relentlessly pounding this into my head for about the past20 years :-).
You are so right, Tina. That is very encouraging.
I often seem to have the idea that God is going to play tricks on me. Larry Crabb writes that we are not entitled to blessings as Christians, and the reverse of that is, of course, that we are entitled to trials. It's hard for me not to always expect the hardest possible scenario, you know? But that expectation (that God is going to harm me) is a perversion of what really is true. It's so easy to get mixed up on that one.
I may have to read your comment over and over again until it sinks in. God prefers that I share my worries with Him.
I am a pessimist the core. My default position is always worry that God is going to take me through something bad and that things will turn out terrible. Wes is a total optimist. I wonder what causes pessimism and optimism? Is it personality? Upbringing? Experiences?
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